The Row - Blu-ray Review

[Michael Scott]

The Row

Movie:
Video:
Audio:
Extras:
Final Score: ​

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Movie
The Row is a kind of remake/reboot/reimagining of the 1983 classic The House on Sorority Row (or at least it borrows very heavily from the premise of the film), which had me immediately curious to see the film. I know Randy Couture isn’t exactly the greatest actor on the face of this earth (even his role in The Expendables was one of the weaker ones, and that wasn’t exactly a demanding role for him), but I have a weakness for slasher movies and will pretty much see any and all of the ones that fit that genre. Unfortunately for everyone involved, The Row is about as cheap and sloppy of a film as can be, only taking the generic premise of it’s much superior 80s predecessor, and telegraphing every move along the way with abandon. It’s not the very WORST modern horror movie ever made (believe me, there are MUCH worse fare out there in the genre), but it’s stumbling around in the proverbial dark does very little to benefit the actors and story in any way.

Riley (Lala Kent) is going into college for her freshman year and she’s ready to have fun and party like every “responsible” college student does. Her father, Cole (Randy Couture), is a police detective who’s just a bit too nervous about letting his daughter of his sight, and knowing full well what sort of hijinks young college students are subjected to. To make matters more interesting, Riley is going to the same college, and applying to be a member of the SAME sorority house that her dead mother was a member of almost 2 decades prior. As Riley gets to spread her proverbial wings and experiment with everything from liquor, drugs, and boys, she soon realizes that things are a bit more serious than just partying and having fun. The members of her sorority are being targeted by a mysterious killer. This killer is slaughtering the girls one by one, taking a piece of their body and attaching doll parts to the rest, systematically going through the ranks as he does so.

The Row seems to have been made on a college student’s free money budget, edited by a drunk sorority girl, and directed by a creepy frat bro who can’t keep the camera still enough to actually see what’s going on. Credited as being a horror movie, and a slasher at that, The Row is much more a thriller with a few slasher scenes thrown in. Not only that, it can’t decided whether it wants to stay on the thriller roller coaster, or whether it wants to be a familial drama, with Riley and Cole going back and forth with each other over who’s being the bigger jerk. Riley pouts and whines that her good old dad never told her that her mother actually committed SUICIDE, while Cole gets deeper and deeper into depression after he’s suspended for accidentally killing one of his own officers during a bust gone wrong.

Fading as rapidly as a wine cooler buzz, The Row really doesn’t have much going for it. The directing by Matt Beckerman is slap dashed and fairly awkward, just barely glossing over the plot points in the movie, and leaving entire story lines completely open ended, as if the ADHD freshmen were too excited to stay in one narrative place for too long. Despite the promise of blood, gore, and women in underpants, The Row barely manages to earn its R rating, content to see a few splashes of blood off camera, and then cutting to more bikini shots, only to even skimp on those. Couture and Lala Kent are the main stay of the film, but sadly that’s not saying much, as they’re pretty painful to watch. The other Sorority sisters act on about a high school level, and some of them can barely contain eastern European accents behind their attempts at being “good old Murican girls”.




Rating:

Rated R for bloody violence, language, drug and alcohol abuse, and some sexual content




Video:

I can’t find any real info on the cameras used, but The Row seems to have been shot on cheap digital cameras, as it has that glossy almost “soap opera” look to it that is indicative of low budget DTV movies. The clarity is usually quite good, with daylight shots showing off the most detail (ranging from the pink and blue shirts of the girls, down to the little bits of facial detailing such as peach fuzz and a mole on a lip). However, the encode is a bit uneven at times, showing off some great black levels one moment, then the next having smeared blacks and some heavy banding that pops up every once in a while. The color grading is a bit wonky as well. Outdoor daylight shots are rather neutral, but the darker shots have a yellowish hue to it that gives it a sickly tone, especially on face tones.







Audio:

The 5.1 DTS-HD MA track on board the Blu-ray is a bit more consistent with the mix than the video encode is. The horror based track is competent enough, with a front heavy sound stage that livens things up a bit when the girls are getting hacked and slashed apart. Surround sound usage is agreeable, with little bits of ambient noise and screams bleeding in, with good vocals that are never unintelligible. The bass though is another story. It’s loud, powerful and loves to slam the listener back in their seats with deep downbeats whenever the killer comes out to play. It’s not an overly wild mix, but it’s done well enough to please most listeners.


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Extras:

• “Making The Row” Featurette
• Director’s Commentary
• Trailer Gallery

Final Score: ​

The Row isn’t completely horrible, but it is a fairly bungled attempt at pushing it’s way into the sorority slasher genre. The acting is painful, the editing choppy and cheap, and the plot holes are so large I honestly could have probably driven a John Deer tractor through the gaps. The Blu-ray is a fairly benign attempt, with solid audio and decent video, and even an attempt at decent extras. However, the movie is one of those things that just doesn’t bring much to the table, and fades from your memory about and is as disposable as those red dixie cups at a Sorority beer pong game. Just Skip it.



Technical Specifications:

Starring: Lala Kent, Randy Couture, Natali Yura, Shea Buckner
Directed by: Matt Beckerman
Written by: Sarah Scougal
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 AVC
Audio: English: DTS-HD MA 5.1
Subtitles: English SDH, Spanish
Studio: Lionsgate
Rated: R
Runtime: 119 Minutes
Blu-ray Release Date: September 25th 2018

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• Michael Scott
• May 11, 2017

Recommendation: Skip It

 

[tripplej]

Thanks for the review. Will skip it based on your recommendation.

 

[Asere]

I too will skip it for now. Will maybe watch it when available for Prime/Netflix. Thanks for the review.