Madame Web - 4K Blu-ray Review

Michael Scott

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Madame Web


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Movie: :1.5stars:
4K Video: :4.5stars:
Video: :4.5stars:
Audio: :4.5stars:
Extras: :2.5stars:
Final Score: :3stars:




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Movie

First and foremost, I have to apologize to Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, and basically the entire writers room 2004’s Catwoman, as I have maligned, insulted and generally held it up as the poster child of “worst super hero of all time”. I’m so sorry, for I had no idea that someday someone would make Madame Web and make everything I said feel false. Yes, today is that time, and today I have say “please forgive them father, for they no not what they do” in retards to what is most likely the most amazingly awful super hero viewing of my entire life.

As you can tell, this review is going to be a bit more humorous and cheeky than my normal reviews. Most likely it’s due to the fact that I process trauma through humor, and mask my pain with bad jokes (at least according to my therapist). So naturally I’m going to take you all along with me on this roller coaster ride of trauma bonding as we explore Sony’s latest attempts at making a Spider-Verse happen without Marvel.

First off, who thought that bringing in the writing team of Morbius and all of the box office bombing that thing underwent was a good idea for your flagship “Spider-Verse” film? I mean, did no one learn from Morbius’s box office? The memes that basically went uber viral to the point that they actually tricked Sony into thinking the movie was gaining a cult following and re-releasing it in theaters, only for the entire thing to make almost no money the second time around? I guess not, as Sony barrels pell mell into another bomb as if they’re wearing horse blinders.

Lets get this party started. First off we’re introduced to Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson), a New York EMT partnered with Ben Parker (Adam Scott, yeah playing THAT Ben Parker) in early 2003. Turns out that Cassandra is sort of an orphan, as her pregnant mother ventured deep into the forests of Peru to find a magic spider venom, only to get murdered by her partner Ezekil Sims (Tahar Rahim). Years later Cassandra is stuck as an awkwardly personalityless woman who has no idea that she has some latent powers thanks to the magic spider venom her mother was looking for running through her veins. BUUUUUUUUUUT, It’s not going to be an easy road to super hero status as Ezekiel is still out there with the super powers HE gained from the magical super spider. Basically he’s Spiderman, but he’s evil (even though the comic book character isn’t) and he has super strength, speed, and supernatural visions that allow him to see the future. And in this future he sees three Spider-Women come and kill him, which naturally spawns Ezekiel into trying to find them and kill them in the present.

Being that this is a comic book movie, Ezekiel has a magic machine that can read his mind, create an image of the three girls, AND track them all ala The Dark Knight Rises through the communications systems of the world. Turns out that they’re all in New York City which means his job is easy. That is until Cassandra finds out that she can see the glimpses of the future and takes the 3 girls (Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor) under her wing and tries to make sure Ezekial doesn’t get his way. Why? Who knows, the movie dictates it.
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So. Madame Web has 3 arcs. It has actors. And it has special effects. So there, it’s certainly a movie, and that’s about all the good I can say about it. Past that this is one of the most incredibly bad films I have ever seen, and this comes from someone who had to see The Marvels and Morbius multiple times to review. S.J. Clarkson’s direction is all over the place, and the writers (who also wrote Morbius) is all over the place with stupid lines, horrible winks and nods to other super hero movies (and one point one of the girls says “You won’t like me when I’m hangry”, and Cassandra’s “defining phrase” is “When you accept your responsibility, great powers come”. Sort of like a dyslexic Yoda version of Peter Parker’s legendary tag phrase). The action is abysmal, and the villain is LITERALLY defeated by a Pepsi sign (which is probably sign from the gods, as Coke is way better. So I guess the takeaway is “don’t drink Pepsi, it’ll kill ya”), but hey, at least we have Madame Web doing cool stuff throughout along with the Spider Women. Oh wait, actually that doesn’t happen. Those of you hoping to see Sydney Sweeney in a tight Spider-Woman outfit will have to come to grips with the fact that the girls are only in the outfits for all of 4 minutes (more like 2-3, but I’m being generous) which is only seen in flashes from Ezekiel’s mind for seconds at a time. Cassandra hereself pulls a few hokey time travel bits out of her bag that get old REAL quick (seriously, it’s the same thing recycled the whole movie. It’s as if they saw the movie Next with Nic Cage and just transferred that to Madame Web, just in much weaker quantities).

The acting is just abysmal too. Dakota Johnson looks like she’s stoned out of her mind and taking cues from Kristen Stewart, and the girls can barely say their lines without looking like S.J. Clarkson is telling them to act like a Tik Tok girls. Heck, even Sydney Sweeney can’t save this film with her….errr…...umm….abilities… either. The other two girls try to play their characters at least REMOTELY like teenagers, but Sydney looks and sounds like a Tik Tok or Facebook reel girl dressed up like an early 2000s Britney Spears cosplayer who posts their Only Fans link in the comments. So, umm, yes, this is certainly a movie of all times, and I Madame web makes me seriously think that there is no hope left in this world.




Rating:

Rated PG-13 for violence/action and language.




4K Video: :4.5stars: Video: :4.5stars:
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The 2160p 4K UHD disc stands head and shoulders over the 1080p Blu-ray, and that Blu-ray was not shabby. The same heavy teal color grading is present, with the same nice looking day shots and monochromatic night time shots with amber highlights. BUUUT, the black levels are definitely showing some boosts in clarity, as well as shadow detail revelations as well. The film looks a bit sharper, with better background textures, and colors gain a distinct boost in the Dolby Vision department. There’s not a massive amount of colors outside of the green of the Rainforest, but the maroon and blood reds really like to pop a bit, and the mild artifacting and softness I noticed on the Blu-ray release is completely gone.








Audio: :4.5stars:
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Like usual, the 4K UHD gets a nice Atmos track to give people an incentive to get the 4K version instead of the Blu-ray. However, the difference between the 5.1 mix and the Atmos track is NOT that much difference. I noticed that the laid back nature of the 5.1 mix is still present in the Atmos re-tooling, and that also means we don’t really have a ton of overhead activity (which was weird). Honestly, it feels like a slightly tweaked version of the 5.1 mix, with more space on the back end with the rear channels, some directional shifting being more noticeable, and a few instances near the end where I actually felt the overheads working. It’s still a great mix as Sony’s 5.1 track was pretty killer, but I’m going to grade both the same as they’re VERY similar.







Extras: :2.5stars:
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• Gag Reel
• Easter Eggs
• Oracle Of The Page
• Fight Like A Spider
• Future Vision
• Casting The Web
• Deleted Scene











Final Score: :3stars:


So for all of you who have not seen this film, take warning. And for all of those who HAVE seen this movie, I’m so so so sorry. There is a support group for us, and it meets at 3:00 PM every Wednesday. We have cookies, and we’ll try to help you through this time. I’m pretty sure at this point that Sony’s attempt to start a non Spider-Man Spider-verse is pretty much dead, but I have this terrifying nightmare that Sony hasn’t got that memo yet, and we might be in for a sequel or re-attempt (despite the incredible box office bomb of making $80 million worldwide on a $100 million budget). The Sony 4K UHD looks and sounds great though, with medium tier extras. My recommendation? Do I really have to say it out loud? I think you get the hint.



Technical Specifications:

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Adam Scott, Emma Roberts, Tahar Rahim
Directed by: S.J. Clarkson
Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 HEVC
Audio: English: Dolby Atmos (Dolby TrueHD 7.1 Core)
Subtitles: English, English SDH, French, Spanish
Studio: Sony
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 116 minutes
Blu-Ray Release Date: April 30th, 2024
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Recommendation: Gall Bladder Attacks are More Fun

 
Last edited:

Asere

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Gall bladder attacks are more fun says it all. Sorry you had to sit through this. Thanks for the review.
 

Michael Scott

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Gall bladder attacks are more fun says it all. Sorry you had to sit through this. Thanks for the review.

I went and watched 2004's Catwoman and Morbius back to back to wash the taste out of my mouth :greengrin:
 

Todd Anderson

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It seems like the Marvel Universe has been taken about 10 steps too far.
 

Michael Scott

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It seems like the Marvel Universe has been taken about 10 steps too far.

to be fair this is like Venom or the old Spidey movies... Sony owned and ran, not Marvel Studios. They simply hold some of the rights for the spiderman universe since they've held onto it since the 90s
 

Todd Anderson

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That's fair! Didn't think of it that way, but makes sense now that you say it!
 

Asere

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Oh man I am going to get hate for this. I thought I'd give it a shot now that it is on Netflix because for one I like Dakota and Sydney (my wife says Dakotas' acting is always meh). I though the movie wasn't so bad,
maybe what kept me entertained was the action/audio and Dakota along with Sydney, I need support don't I? :hide:
 

Todd Anderson

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TBH, @Asere, I'm not going to pass judgment! Just don't ask me to watch it.
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Michael Scott

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I'll pass judgement. I'll just do it silently though :greengrin:
 
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