Madame Web - Blu-ray Review

[Michael Scott]

Madame Web



Movie:
Video:
Audio:
Extras:
Final Score:



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Movie
First and foremost, I have to apologize to Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, and basically the entire writers room 2004’s Catwoman, as I have maligned, insulted and generally held it up as the poster child of “worst super hero of all time”. I’m so sorry, for I had no idea that someday someone would make Madame Web and make everything I said feel false. Yes, today is that time, and today I have say “please forgive them father, for they no not what they do” in retards to what is most likely the most amazingly awful super hero viewing of my entire life.

As you can tell, this review is going to be a bit more humorous and cheeky than my normal reviews. Most likely it’s due to the fact that I process trauma through humor, and mask my pain with bad jokes (at least according to my therapist). So naturally I’m going to take you all along with me on this roller coaster ride of trauma bonding as we explore Sony’s latest attempts at making a Spider-Verse happen without Marvel.

First off, who thought that bringing in the writing team of Morbius and all of the box office bombing that thing underwent was a good idea for your flagship “Spider-Verse” film? I mean, did no one learn from Morbius’s box office? The memes that basically went uber viral to the point that they actually tricked Sony into thinking the movie was gaining a cult following and re-releasing it in theaters, only for the entire thing to make almost no money the second time around? I guess not, as Sony barrels pell mell into another bomb as if they’re wearing horse blinders.

Lets get this party started. First off we’re introduced to Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson), a New York EMT partnered with Ben Parker (Adam Scott, yeah playing THAT Ben Parker) in early 2003. Turns out that Cassandra is sort of an orphan, as her pregnant mother ventured deep into the forests of Peru to find a magic spider venom, only to get murdered by her partner Ezekil Sims (Tahar Rahim). Years later Cassandra is stuck as an awkwardly personalityless woman who has no idea that she has some latent powers thanks to the magic spider venom her mother was looking for running through her veins. BUUUUUUUUUUT, It’s not going to be an easy road to super hero status as Ezekiel is still out there with the super powers HE gained from the magical super spider. Basically he’s Spiderman, but he’s evil (even though the comic book character isn’t) and he has super strength, speed, and supernatural visions that allow him to see the future. And in this future he sees three Spider-Women come and kill him, which naturally spawns Ezekiel into trying to find them and kill them in the present.

Being that this is a comic book movie, Ezekiel has a magic machine that can read his mind, create an image of the three girls, AND track them all ala The Dark Knight Rises through the communications systems of the world. Turns out that they’re all in New York City which means his job is easy. That is until Cassandra finds out that she can see the glimpses of the future and takes the 3 girls (Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O’Connor) under her wing and tries to make sure Ezekial doesn’t get his way. Why? Who knows, the movie dictates it.
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So. Madame Web has 3 arcs. It has actors. And it has special effects. So there, it’s certainly a movie, and that’s about all the good I can say about it. Past that this is one of the most incredibly bad films I have ever seen, and this comes from someone who had to see The Marvels and Morbius multiple times to review. S.J. Clarkson’s direction is all over the place, and the writers (who also wrote Morbius) is all over the place with stupid lines, horrible winks and nods to other super hero movies (and one point one of the girls says “You won’t like me when I’m hangry”, and Cassandra’s “defining phrase” is “When you accept your responsibility, great powers come”. Sort of like a dyslexic Yoda version of Peter Parker’s legendary tag phrase). The action is abysmal, and the villain is LITERALLY defeated by a Pepsi sign (which is probably sign from the gods, as Coke is way better. So I guess the takeaway is “don’t drink Pepsi, it’ll kill ya”), but hey, at least we have Madame Web doing cool stuff throughout along with the Spider Women. Oh wait, actually that doesn’t happen. Those of you hoping to see Sydney Sweeney in a tight Spider-Woman outfit will have to come to grips with the fact that the girls are only in the outfits for all of 4 minutes (more like 2-3, but I’m being generous) which is only seen in flashes from Ezekiel’s mind for seconds at a time. Cassandra hereself pulls a few hokey time travel bits out of her bag that get old REAL quick (seriously, it’s the same thing recycled the whole movie. It’s as if they saw the movie Next with Nic Cage and just transferred that to Madame Web, just in much weaker quantities).

The acting is just abysmal too. Dakota Johnson looks like she’s stoned out of her mind and taking cues from Kristen Stewart, and the girls can barely say their lines without looking like S.J. Clarkson is telling them to act like a Tik Tok girls. Heck, even Sydney Sweeney can’t save this film with her….errr…...umm….abilities… either. The other two girls try to play their characters at least REMOTELY like teenagers, but Sydney looks and sounds like a Tik Tok or Facebook reel girl dressed up like an early 2000s Britney Spears cosplayer who posts their Only Fans link in the comments. So, umm, yes, this is certainly a movie of all times, and I Madame web makes me seriously think that there is no hope left in this world.




Rating:

Rated PG-13 for violence/action and language.




Video:

The 1080p Blu-ray disc actually looks rather nice, and is probably (along with the audio) the best feature of the film (not a high bar to leap over). The image is given a heavy teal tone that looks clean and fairly clear in the daylight, but goes almost monochromatic in the darker night time shots (which take up half the film) that are accentuated by amber lighting. The blacks fine detail levels are genuinely superb, showing off facial tones, nuances of the girls clothing, and even the backlighting on Ezekiel Sims suit eyes. However, I noticed a few minor bouts of black crush and some artifacting in super low light situations (mostly looking a bit smeared in the dark). Overall a very nice looking encode from Sony, who always excels on their technical mastering skill set.








Audio:

Like usual, Sony gives us a 5.1 DTS-HD MA track for the Blu-ray, while giving the 4K UHD a Dolby Atmos track. But that being said, The 5.1 mix is certainly quite the aggressive track. It’s surprisingly front heavy (comparatively) for a super hero film, but everything is done quite well. The long periods of dialog are rendered nicely, with a solid presence up front. However, when things get kicking with Ezekiel the surrounds are in full gear and the bass will literally punch you in the teeth. That flash forward in the train station sets us up for some really nice low end chest slams, and the final confrontation in the warehouse is a non stop action extravaganza. Simply put, it’s a pretty good audio track, despite being kind of laid back in parts.







Extras:

• Gag Reel
• Easter Eggs
• Oracle Of The Page
• Fight Like A Spider
• Future Vision
• Casting The Web
• Deleted Scene

Final Score: ​

So for all of you who have not seen this film, take warning. And for all of those who HAVE seen this movie, I’m so so so sorry. There is a support group for us, and it meets at 3:00 PM every Wednesday. WE have cookies, and we’ll try to help you through this time. I’m pretty sure at this point that Sony’s attempt to start a non Spider-Man Spider-verse is pretty much dead, but I have this terrifying nightmare that Sony hasn’t got that memo yet, and we might be in for a sequel or re-attempt (despite the incredible box office bomb of making $80 million worldwide on a $100 million budget). The Sony Blu-ray looks and sounds great though, with medium tier extras. My recommendation? Do I really have to say it out loud? I think you get the hint.



Technical Specifications:

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Adam Scott, Emma Roberts, Tahar Rahim
Directed by: S.J. Clarkson
Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker
Aspect Ratio: 2.39:1 AVC
Audio: English: DTS-HD MA 5.1, French, Spanish DTS-HD MA 5.1
Subtitles: English, English SDH, French, Spanish
Studio: Sony
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 116 minutes
Blu-Ray Release Date: April 30th, 2024

Recommendation: Gall Bladder Attacks are More Fun